“Don’t open until June 18.” — Knickerbocker and Melrose

Obligatory IKEA post — thank god we no longer have to schlep to Elizabeth or Hicksville ever again to get our cheap Swedish crap. Too bad we still have to rent a goddamn car to get to Brooklyn’s most unreachable neighborhood — Red Hook. Feh.

I went to a house party on Saturday night, and the host sent Anna to get cream for coffee at the nearby Associated on Knickerbocker. “What do you want, half-and-half or heavy cream?” I said, if they have organic half-and-half, get that, but if they don’t, just get whole cream. She came back in a few minutes: “They had both organic half-and-half and whole cream, so I got both.” I pulled both cartons — marked with a hefty price — from the bag and held them up for the whole room to see. “From the Associated,” I announced. Luis’ jaw actually dropped. I’m pretty sure “the Ass” is the first place in Bushwick proper you can buy organic cream. Sweet.

Update that Organic Milk Continuum chart — next stop, bodegas carry organic milk.

I think I have developed a fool-proof method of judging the degree of “shadow” gentrification in a neighborhood. By “shadow,” I mean all the rental apartments being newly occupied by people considered by most to be “gentrifiers.” They’re not as obviously present as the residents of shiny new condos or those populating the loft districts, but they are the majority. That’s why it’s only now that those of us who live in regular residential Bushwick proper are starting to get more restaurant — and likely soon retail — options, while those in the loft areas have had amenities for a couple years.

Yes, I hypothesize that by merely glancing at the milk cooler in grocery establishments in any neighborhood, one can make an educated guess as to the level of gentrification. I declare Bushwick to be in the “2%” phase. That means when I visit local grocery stores, I find the organic milk selection to be advanced up to the level of 2% milk at the Associated and a couple bodegas I have been in. Exceptions exist: Mr. Kiwi’s now offers organic whole milk. Why are food markets the place to look? Because they respond to demand almost instantly when people request items. They are the perfect barometer for measuring population trends.

Why organic milk? People who demand organic food are health conscious. Health conscious people tend to prefer lower-fat items. So until critical mass exists for those who like to put half and half in their coffee and don’t want Polysorbate-80 in it, too, the organic milk selection will trend toward lower fat.

I propose entrepreneurs trying to gauge demand in a neighborhood for certain services look at what kind of milk is available. As Bushwick approaches the “whole” phase, I look forward to being able to wander into any corner store and get a pint of organic cream for my coffee. Until then, I’m off to Brooklyn’s Natural.

Late last month I noticed a new awning going up on a long-vacant building at the corner of Broadway and Myrtle Avenue. The green, orange and white signage, borrowing heavily from FreshDirect’s logo, indicated this new business was a market selling fresh produce and organic items, among other things. My husband and I finally got a chance to head over and check things out on Sunday, and I must say Mr. Kiwi’s is probably the most exciting new business to open in our little corner of Bushwick in the three years we’ve been here.

The store is big and bright, and while it appears they are not yet fully stocked (lots of empty space in the coolers and a few empty shelves here and there), I was really impressed with what they did have available – a good selection of dry goods and pantry items, the ubiquitous selection of Goya products, dried chiles, herbs and spices, and, most importantly a very nice selection of fresh fruits and vegetables.

One of my biggest complaints about living here has been the lack of good produce in our immediate area, and from what I’ve seen, Mr. Kiwi’s goes a long way toward fixing that problem. They have a nice selection of the basics – loose and bagged (and non-moldering) onions and potatoes, citrus, bananas, stem tomatoes – but they surprised me with their selection of things I previously had to look elsewhere for: leeks, endive, beautiful blood oranges, fresh cranberry beans and watercress, to name just a few. They also had a variety of cut flowers available for purchase just inside the entrance.

Prices are comparable to what you’d find at most produce markets or Korean groceries in other parts of the city, and I’ve been very happy with the quality and freshness of produce purchased there. The awning indicates they have beer and cigarettes available, though we didn’t see either when we were there (a licensing issue, perhaps?), and they also indicate they have free delivery, though its location makes it an easy enough stop for those of us who commute along the J/M/Z lines. In any event, this is a very welcome addition to the area, and a business which will hopefully thrive.

Mr. Kiwi’s | 957 Broadway (at Myrtle Avenue) | 718-453-2640

New York City Councilman Tony Avella hearts parking lots.

New Yorkers never fail to set my eyes rolling. Their reverse-provincial, insulated expectations of what life is and more importantly, what the government should do for them, just keeps on amusing. Take this Queens Ledger (or is it the Brooklyn Downtown Star?) article about Graham Avenue business owners complaining that the City is getting rid of a public parking lot so that affordable housing can be built on it. Mind you, there will still be parking, there will just be less of it and it won’t be damn near free.

Ahmed Khan, owner of Sneaker Spot, said customers will not come if they have to park ten blocks away. “If you don’t give [them] parking in front of [or] behind the store, nobody shops.”

The Sneaker Spot? We’re quickly disabused of the idea that this might be a strip of bafflingly expensive vintage clothing boutiques and raw vegan restaurants. Graham Avenue isn’t luxurious, it’s a dump — so it’s not the wealthy driving these cars. No, in North Brooklyn, it’s the so-called poor who drive. Consider that they are the ones who will (supposedly) benefit from this affordable housing development, and this starts to become a real head-scratcher. Just a thought, but, maybe if these families got rid of their 2 or 3 cars per household, they could afford market rent like the rest of us. Ever taken a walk or a bike ride through the projects? The parking lots and side streets are full of shiny new cars. For the record, the very few “hipster” “trustfunders” (derogatory terms for stylish, employed young white people) I know who have cars drive shitbox beaters. But I digress.

Apparently, affordable housing isn’t enough, this city now needs affordable parking for the minority of residents who drive. And allegedly, these doubtlessly fat, lazy ass people who won’t walk a few blocks are who keep the merchants of Graham Avenue in business.

[City] councilman [Tony Avella] remarked that if a commercial area becomes blighted, it affects the rest of the neighborhood. “If stores can’t make it and you start to close, residential areas are affected because now there’s no place to shop.”

His argument is that Graham Avenue will, uh, become blighted, and presumably that this will make the surrounding, uh, pristine residential areas less desireable. Hey Councilman, you ever heard of gentrification? There aren’t exactly a lot of downward pressures on Brooklyn real estate these days. Remember the affordable housing scheme that was the excuse for you coming to East Williamsburg to pander to voters and make it look like you’re doing something valuable? After all, it’s the only reason you care about — and likely even know the existence of — some scrap of city-owned asphalt. Get your head out of the 1970s. What’s next, tax breaks for fried chicken joints and stores that sell $8 pairs of jeans on the sidewalk?

Every other thriving retail strip in Brooklyn, no matter what economic segment it serves, does just fine without city-owned parking lots, and in some cases without any parking at all. What’s so special about Graham Avenue?

Passing by what appeared to be a junked-out trailer this afternoon, I skidded my blue Schwinn to a halt. In front of me, on the cross streets of Humboldt and Montrose, lay the most beautiful visage I had ever seen, a restored candy green Columbia bike.

After my mouth closed and the drool dried, I looked around and saw that a BUNCH of beautiful, shiny bikes stood outside this trailer, looking rusted and drab by contrast. This was no ordinary bike shop, obviously. This was Bits and Pieces, a 10-year-old project that began as a furniture upholstery site and has evolved into a bike restoration anomaly in this otherwise dingy area.

Outside the makeshift bike shop, a young woman with large, curly hair smiled widely at me, inquiring about the camera I was using. Seemed like she herself was a camera enthusiast and luckily for me, worked at the shop as well. Yasmin Silva introduced me to the shop’s co-owner, Jared “Jay” Silva, whom she first described as her ex-boyfriend, then later in the conversation, her husband. While it wasn’t clear if the last name of the couple was used legally or with affectionate connotations only, the twosome have been working together since childhood.

“His dad started it as a furniture store, but Jay convinced him to start doing bikes!” Yasmin exclaimed, clearly the more gregarious of the two. Jared demurred, shyly explaining, “I had built a personal collection of over 30 bikes and started working on them, making new seats and cleaning them up….it just sort of happened that we started selling them.”

Either way, Jay’s bikes now go for anything from $100 to $500 (although I saw him make a deal on a yellow mountain bike for $75), the top end of the line being the green Columbian I was so set on. If only I could forgo one month’s rent….

And I almost forgot the best part, Yasmin’s poetry, which she recited for me without prompting as I was leaving. Pretty good slam stuff, and she even gave me her myspace account and asked me if I saw Tom to tell him to give me her password…she’s forgotten it.

Goodbye Blue Monday is not going to be what you expect. If there weren’t a certain elegance to the rusty junk outside the storefront, you wouldn’t really be able to tell the difference between it and any of the other junky places on this depressing stretch of Broadway.

Inside is a mega-high-ceilinged shop — to the left, some computers and the bar; to the right, an absolute clusterfuck of mismatched tables and chairs. Not in a bad way, mind you. But the scene is jarring. The walls are encrusted with paintings and a bunch of seemingly random objects.

At GBM, the official line is that everything is for sale. I asked about the chairs and tables, and I could practically see employee Drew’s brain shoot off a Homerian “D’oh!” “That’s the house furniture,” owner Steve Trimboli said. “Anything but that is for sale.” If you have ideas that you’re going to swipe something amazing and rare at GBM for a song, think again: Steve knows how much his stuff is worth. Classic 50s lamps that “you’re not gonna get” elsewhere, will cost you a few bills. But there’s something here for every budget, if not every taste, and you could spend $5 or $700 for an item.

This place doesn’t just have a show every single night, the shows consist of four separate acts! And just in case you thought you could saunter in and book your band any night you fancy, they’re not hurting for talent — they’re booked solid two months in advance. Steve told me a story about a metal band and a jazz band who played on the same night: the metal violinists played with the jazz band and later on, the jazz members played with the metal band. His somewhat freeform booking system makes for a truly eclectic mix of music each night.

This place is so indie, the coffee comes from an old Bunn behind the counter — “oh, let me put a fresh pot on.” The small coffee is a buck. Don’t expect it to be better than 7-11, not that that’s why you would come here. Drew offered me an espresso soda she fished from the door of a fridge much like one your dad might have in his garage. They are planning a kitchen at some point in the future, but for now, enjoy a rice krispie treat or a brownie. Alcohol is also served, including PBR for the hipsters. Is your jappy cousin in town? Worry not, they have prosecco.

A recurring theme with business owners in Bushwick is complaints about municipal red tape. A stamp for this, a certificate for that, an inspection next month. Steve’s experience has been no different, but I did notice that the city’s meddling fingers are noticeably absent from the “sculpture garden” in the back yard: a menacing tangle of rusty metal just barely out of the way of drunken patrons. Depending on your philosophy of life it’s either a tetanusy nightmare or a bohemian dream.

Steve ran a somewhat similar place called Scrap Bar in the East Village of the 80s. He has personally subsidized the operations of GBM since 2005, and this year it’s finally paying off. “I am breaking even for the first time in two years — the neighborhood is beginning to take hold.” Drew has noticed “a hell of a lot of new residents lately” — something we have all been noticing in Bushwick approaching the new school year. The shows draw 40-50 people a night, and there are always a few people in there drinking coffee and using the free wifi during the day.

Steve at the computers	stage	bathroom decoupage	storefront

Goodbye Blue Monday is sure to be an anchor in the newly assertive Bushwick hipster community in the years to come. Check it out while it’s cheap!

1087 Broadway between Lawton and Dodworth

(See past observations on the forum.)

The owners of Brooklyn’s Natural are nothing if not enterprising. The Bogart Street market has a good selection of organic food both packaged and fresh, numerous imported items, a fantastic offering of beers, and, of course, more soy products than you ever knew existed. They make fresh sandwiches and wraps in house. Smoke Nat Shermans? They have them, too.

Sorry, meat-eaters, your choices are pretty much limited to salami and chicken breast. You’ll realize how vegetarians feel trying to shop in most other markets.

The consensus among the loft set is that Brooklyn’s Natural is a ripoff, and for a while I agreed. But when I started boycotting my corner bodega due to its general repulsiveness and walking the 10 minutes to BN, I realized upon buying a spread of items that the prices are fine for what you get — convenience and quality in a neighborhood not known for it. Sure, I can get handmade pasta in Little Italy for 30% less. Yeah, the Häagen-Dazs is a buck more than it “should” be. But you’re paying to have that stuff on your doorstep in a neighborhood not exactly calling out for the likes of Dean and DeLuca.

So, buck up, North Bushwickers — until we can get some competition in here, Brooklyn’s Natural is what we have. And really, it’s way better than not having it.

49 Bogart Street

Hipsters and other weenies avoid “native” destinations in Bushwick like the plague — witness the throngs of them in depressing, desolate places like Wyckoff between Jefferson and Starr-ish, their swarming of Bogart and the East Williamsburg industrial area, and their complete absense (not one!) in places like Knickerbocker Avenue by Bushwick (aka Maria Hernandez) Park.

Knickerbocker is one of my favorite places in Bushwick. It’s a real traditional main street, where everyone in the neighborhood goes to shop, eat, gossip and carry on. In two blocks of Knick this Saturday we got great pizza (Tony’s at 336), grabbed a big bag of plum tomatoes and some garlic (S & S Farm Market at 317), stocked up on assorted amaretti, biscotti, etc. (Circo’s Pastry at 312), and blew more money on stuff to fix up our crumbling money pit (Ace Hardware at 347). I didn’t really even mean for it to be Italian-themed…

I know it’s a matter of time before all the scary warehouse spaces get filled up with left-wing bookstores and coffee houses and vegan raw restaurants and the market starts pressuring the wispy-haired and pale among us to start opening shops on Knickerbocker, but even before that happens I urge my likely audience here to submerge themselves in local culture before they put it out of business. That last thing is not a value judgement, just a statement of fact.