If you have ever ridden your bike down Myrtle in Bushwick, you know you are risking your life. I routinely avoid riding on Myrtle, which is a significant handicap given that it’s a perfect shortcut across Bushwick’s pretty rigid grid. The street is simply too narrow to accommodate two directions of traffic, two lanes of parking, and bicyclists. So when I walked by a city bike map one day in Union Square, I was pleasantly surprised to see Myrtle Avenue, as well as Central and Evergreen, slated to get bike lanes. But then, remembering how narrow Myrtle is, I wondered where the lane would go. Will they remove a lane of parking? How will that work in both directions?

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On the Bed-Stuy blog last week was a huge thread of comments sparked by Petra’s complaint about her friend being ticketed for riding his bicycle on the sidewalk. With the exception of the couple of assholes roboting in humorless monotone that “the law is the law,” most people shared their experiences with the NYPD in quota-making heat. I was shocked at how many people were victimized, the vast majority for stupid garbage like being on the bike to cross the sidewalk from the stoop to the street, or for swerving to the sidewalk to avoid — that’s right — a cop car parked in the bike lane.

I’m so used to scoffing dismissively at complaints of racism, but when you read some of these comments, it’s impossible to ignore. Cops treat people like dirt for no reason other than they can. There is literally no recourse. If a cop wants to spit on you or curse at you or talk to you like a child, he can. What are you gonna do about it? He’s the one with the gun, and the huge system behind him to back him up in his power trip that he’s fantasized about since he was the middle school bully.

And to all those who are getting ready to reprimand me for questioning the cops — for example, “we’ll see how much you hate the cops when they save you from being mugged” — how about just shut the fuck up ahead of time. Save yourself the embarrassment, you’re ridiculous and your jingoist spluttering is as pathetic as that of the president defending his decision to blow up Iraq. The day a cop saves me from jack shit, I might possibly, though doubtfully, reconsider. All I have ever gotten from cops is harassment, and I am white and have no record. I can’t imagine what a black guy with a petty criminal record from when he was 16 must tolerate from these cocksuckers.

I mean really, when is a cop around to actually stop crime? Giuliani and his boosters have elevated the post hoc ergo propter hoc into a religion — Rudy’s administration “doing something” no more ended crime in New York than FDR’s barbaric policies ended the Great Depression. A decline in criminals and crime due to the waning of the crack “epidemic” and, well, gentrification, were some of the main drivers. Ticketing jaywalkers, hmmm, not so much.

Cops just clean up the mess after. They’re not as stupid as you may think — they’re not about to patrol dangerous areas to be heroes, they’re gonna ticket non-threatening dorks on bikes and then maybe later go in a pack to an after-the-fact crime scene to put on airs of self-importance and possibly remind you that you “need” them. And god forbid one of them harms someone without justification, as there’s no punishment to be meted out whatsoever. I mean, cops aren’t even legally required to respond to calls. What the fuck do we even pay those fat slobs for? We’re not even allowed to have weapons for self-defense. It’s the cops — if they feel like responding — or nothing, and too many times in this city, it’s nothing.

Really, so far my experience with cops in Bushwick is bizarre, creepy propaganda plays, a group of mourning kids being arrested on dubious grounds, more confidence-seeking propaganda, and arresting hipsters for drinking on private property where they live. I have yet to hear of a crime actually being stopped, but plenty that went unstopped. My argument is not that we need more cops. Good god, what a nightmare that would be. No, rather, I think we should fire the whole lot of them and get some Wackenhut up in here. Then we will be their clients, they will have no union to protect them from us, and they can be fired for fucking up. Ever heard of a rent-a-cop blowing a kid away who held a hairbrush in the air? No, but seriously, cops suck and a new system is needed, one that is more realistic, one where crime is stopped on the micro level by old ladies with 9mms in their pocketbooks.

So. *cough*

Anyone been the victim of NYPD on their bike in Bushwick?

Passing by what appeared to be a junked-out trailer this afternoon, I skidded my blue Schwinn to a halt. In front of me, on the cross streets of Humboldt and Montrose, lay the most beautiful visage I had ever seen, a restored candy green Columbia bike.

After my mouth closed and the drool dried, I looked around and saw that a BUNCH of beautiful, shiny bikes stood outside this trailer, looking rusted and drab by contrast. This was no ordinary bike shop, obviously. This was Bits and Pieces, a 10-year-old project that began as a furniture upholstery site and has evolved into a bike restoration anomaly in this otherwise dingy area.

Outside the makeshift bike shop, a young woman with large, curly hair smiled widely at me, inquiring about the camera I was using. Seemed like she herself was a camera enthusiast and luckily for me, worked at the shop as well. Yasmin Silva introduced me to the shop’s co-owner, Jared “Jay” Silva, whom she first described as her ex-boyfriend, then later in the conversation, her husband. While it wasn’t clear if the last name of the couple was used legally or with affectionate connotations only, the twosome have been working together since childhood.

“His dad started it as a furniture store, but Jay convinced him to start doing bikes!” Yasmin exclaimed, clearly the more gregarious of the two. Jared demurred, shyly explaining, “I had built a personal collection of over 30 bikes and started working on them, making new seats and cleaning them up….it just sort of happened that we started selling them.”

Either way, Jay’s bikes now go for anything from $100 to $500 (although I saw him make a deal on a yellow mountain bike for $75), the top end of the line being the green Columbian I was so set on. If only I could forgo one month’s rent….

And I almost forgot the best part, Yasmin’s poetry, which she recited for me without prompting as I was leaving. Pretty good slam stuff, and she even gave me her myspace account and asked me if I saw Tom to tell him to give me her password…she’s forgotten it.