Socialist Workers Party candidates Daniel Fein for mayor and Maura DeLuca for public advocate literally think Cuba is a model society.

We here at BushwickBK have not and will not be endorsing any candidates for office. One reason is that we feel this is a condescending practice by media organizations; they do not trust their readers to make informed decisions based on unbiased reporting of the candidate’s positions, and that’s an insult. Another is that frankly, all the serious contenders are nearly identical in platform and worldview — it literally does not matter who wins, and the only thing assured is continuity and more of the same.

That said, all that’s left is humor. If you have received your 2009 general election voter guide, please do not throw it away — inside the completely unedited guide is a treasure trove of wonderful misspellings, embarrassing naivete, and outright falsehoods. Unsurprisingly, incumbents with comparatively large war chests and educated staffers — and candidates like Maritza Davila, with big bucks and major organization behind her — have coherent profiles and use proper grammar and punctuation. Not because they in actuality can write properly, but because they have the resources to find staff who can. The rest are left to fend for themselves to hilarious results.

For mayor, the list is chock full of nuts. It’s not just soothing pap from Bloomberg and Thompson about their apparently godlike powers to fix New York’s economy even while the world’s collapses. The ranks are populated by the likes of Conservative Party candidate Stephen A. Christopher of arch-conservative stronghold Bay Ridge, who, as pastor of Memorial Baptist Church has an impressive bachelor’s major in “Bible” and seeks among other things to nip gay marriage in the bud and ban abortion. But he’s against overzealous ticket agents, so let’s put him in the back pocket for now. In a similar vein but with less local relevance, Libertarian candidate and “consultant” Joseph L. Dobrian spends nearly no time in his profile explaining what he’ll do for the city or even mentioning the city — the entire thing is a rant about the role of government in general. But don’t worry, he assures, he won’t try to abolish public education. At least not in his first term. These are the saner ones. Yes.

College student Francisca Villar of the Party for Socialism and Liberation wants the city’s billionaires taxed — fine — but if they leave the city their property and wealth should be nationalized. “The $5 billion that the city pays every year to the banks for ‘debt servicing’ must go to the people’s needs.” Maybe the city should think about that before incurring debt? Pshaw! Ms. Villar doesn’t need your “economics” or “cause and effect.” Among the other bits in her platform: housing is a right, so rents will be rolled back to some apparently scientifically derived optimum level, and nobody shall ever be evicted, which is cool because when nonpaying tenants’ landlords subsequently can’t pay their mortgage, banks will be banned from foreclosure. Neat, right? And every New Yorker shall be guaranteed a union job. Finally, Ms. Villar is qualified to be mayor because she participated in some protest marches, wants CUNY to be free, and is poor.

I promise you, it gets better. By “better,” I mean nuttier. Daniel Fein, some old dude whose occupation is “sewing machine operator,” is running with the Socialist Workers Party. His profile is basically a stock rant against the capitalist “system” and war, with the highlight being that he holds up Cuba as a societal model. Are we beyond the pale yet? I wonder if he’ll build NYC’s first gulags. No need to close Riker’s! Doubly good, that will preserve union jobs!

Other candidates like “neighborhood defender” Billy Talen of the Green Party and “green architectural designer” Tyrrell L. Eiland of the Independence Party dribbled all the typical combinations of buzzwords about green sustainable this and affordable dignity that — both want a Green New Deal off which neither candidate will personally profit though they will apparently direct the investments. Cough.

Last but not least, Jimmy McMillan. An amazing person. King of html. Supporter of German-style Noun capitalization. And founder of the Rent Is Too Damn High Movement, wherein all rents will be lowered to between $500 and $750, it will be illegal foe [sic] an abandon [sic] building to exist anywhere in the 5 Boro’s [sic], and New Yorkers will never have to be harass [sic] by “Landlord(s)” [quotes in original] again. I am afraid to make too much fun of Mr. McMillan as he is a Vietnam Vet and may kill me. That is all.

Other offices with kooks running are Public Advocate: Socialist Workers Party’s Maura DeLuca, made up like a 1950s housewife, exhorts us to overthrow the capitalist rulers and “reorganize the economy and all social relations, from top to bottom, in the interests of workers and farmers.” Okay, no problem. (Farmers?) She is for the immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan, which is great, but as far as I know, the NYC military isn’t currently occupying those areas. Also, nationalization of all property. Baby steps, Maura. Stick with trying to get Cuban spies released for now. Refreshingly, for the same office, Libertarian Jim Lesczynski — occupation: Enemy of the State — as Public Advocate, wants to abolish the position of Public Advocate, as it has “proved to be nothing more than a welfare program for politicians.”

The 34th City Council District race is pretty much a shoo-in for Diana Reyna, since Vito Lopez has been training Bushwickers for decades to push “D” in their sleep — sorry Maritza. You can go tonight to see her talk about her views on “Arts and Government,” which is code for “all you new white people I have to deal with now.”

The 37th District is locked up, yet again, for a Dilan, but get this — there’s a Republican running. However, the illustrious-sounding Michael Edgar Freeman Saulsberre, a Minneapolis transplant who runs a “broker house,” has nothing notably Republican-sounding in his profile, which is mostly concerned with playgrounds, education, and foreclosure issues. His equally doomed opponent from the Independence Party, Melvin Brown, seems not to own a shift key, so his profile reads like a long IM from a teenage girl. Good luck, 37th.

Now get out there and vote this coming November 3rd, Bushwick. Pull the lever for some of these psychos if you want to liven it up a bit.