Notes from Bushwick

Last week, we proposed the creation of a small neighborhood association by which to provide legal assistance to those who have been illegally searched by police in Bushwick as well as to publicize these incidents in an effort to eventually reduce their number. Since then, we’ve managed to recruit a rather shapely and vivacious young lawyer with whom I hope to spend many late nights working to accomplish a shared goal, our minds coalescing into one as we join together in a decidedly romantic quest to bring about justice where before existed only tyranny, our young bodies perhaps coming into brief contact every once in a while as fleshy Levantine forearm brushes against taut Gaelic shoulder…

Also, yet another lawyer has offered to provide her expertise on a more informal and occasional basis, while another fellow who’s racked up several years of experience working with the ACLU’s Drug Law Reform Project and who currently serves with the New York-based Drug Policy Alliance has also expressed interest in assisting. Meanwhile, we’ve recruited several people with longtime connections to the neighborhood to help inform residents that any illegal searches should be brought to our attention, and we’re also making preparations for an information campaign regarding which sort of actions constitute a legal search and which constitute a violation of NYPD regulations. All in all, we look forward to working with the NYPD to ensure that its policies are respected by all of its employees, and that all American citizens residing in Bushwick are dealt with in accordance to the Constitutional protections originally set forth by our Founding Fathers.

We can still use some assistance from those with backgrounds in criminal defense and civil liberties; if this fits your description, send me an e-mail at barriticus@gmail.com.

Now, for those of you who could care less about my various grandiose anarcho-nutcase projects: C-Mart, the grocery store on Flushing that subjects patrons to the most terrible sort of KISS-FM-esque pop nonsense from the ’90s by way of its loudspeaker, is nonetheless among the best places in Bushwick from which to obtain sweet-ass steaks at sweet-ass prices. They’ve been selling London broil — shoulder steak, but London broil nonetheless — for something like a dollar a pound, which is to say that one may obtain a two-person steak dinner for around $2.50. Notorious b-movie screenwriter and actor Andrew Straub — who, aside from having served as a sous chef at a number of New York’s better French restaurants, is also the author of The Hobo’s Guide, which itself includes tips on eating well on no dollars a day — cooked some up for me twice this week. The meat was "adobo-rubbed," "butter-basted," and "grill-panned," as he tells me. Straub is a recent arrival to Bushwick, having moved here from Sea Gate or some such terrible place in an effort to escape his wife, so be nice to him if you see him hanging out at Wreck Room and help him get home if you see him stumbling around.

Those who dislike steak, meanwhile, can still benefit from the culinary wisdom of First Consul Straub, who once prepared a shark-and-mango compilation by way of an appetizer at one of my BBQs. The main course — a wild boar I had recently shot in south Texas during Thanksgiving on the orders of my father, who seems to have something against boars — was, though also well-prepared, fairly overshadowed by this inspired compilation of fruit and sea monster. Shark meat may be obtained at that other grocery store on Broadway over by the Lorimer stop, whereas mangos are now as ubiquitous as ever thanks to the new fruit stands that have appeared on Broadway and elsewhere in the area as part of a city-sponsored drive to provide healthy eating options to low-income areas.

Thus ends the stupidest column that I have ever written.

Notes from the Outside World

Oh, shit, here’s this whole other section.

Over the weekend, I made the mistake of awakening a sleeping armadillo. An article I wrote which detailed the ridiculous behavior of a small group of conservative blog enthusiasts associated with the website Protein Wisdom has inspired the wrath of many of those who were mentioned therein as well as plenty who weren’t. Blog proprietor and academic Jeff Goldstein, a prominent advocate of intentionalism who has taught literature and related subjects but who is perhaps better known for his political writings, is now quite upset with me, as are many of his supporters. One has accused me of owning a Ford Focus, which is nothing more than viscous counterrevolutionary gossip composed by running dog imperialist agitators and their capitalist paymasters in the Rockefeller/Ford consortium as well as my detractors within the sinister confines of the actually none-too-sinister Episcopal Church. To borrow from Eddie Izzard:

"Vicar, I have sinned."

"Well, so have I!"

Meanwhile, here’s Uffie! Look how cute! Kawaii desu ^______________^

Sorry, also this.