I swept in front of the house Saturday morning, and then went to the Fortunata’s Bumrush. When I got home 4 hours later, there was a fresh accumulation of litter behind my fence and a notice of violation from the Environmental Control Board. Luis snatched it off the gate — “Are you fucking kidding me?” — and handed it to me. I am constantly fighting the waves of random trash that plague my street. Most days, sweeping once a day is enough, but sometimes the trash is relentless.

There’s something really perverse about ticketing property owners without bothering to use common sense. Overflowing trash cans with no lids are an obvious problem, and I can understand a citation in that case. A few scraps of trash on the ground right near my trash cans with their lids snapped on tight, arranged in such a way that it is obvious to anyone who uses their rational faculties for a split second that it was blown in from outside, is not grounds for a violation. Not a single scrap of trash in front of my house was generated in my house. Fining me for not being fast enough with the broom is punishing the victim. It’s like prosecuting a rape victim for public lewdness.

A guy who has owned a house around the corner for 15 years told me they once fined him for a single piece of paper in the gutter. When he went to court to appeal, they told him that if he loses, he has to pay $300 instead of $100. Not being a gambling man, he paid the $100 fine. I wasn’t planning on appealing, but then I remembered that we have a copy of a dismissal of a similar fine won by the previous owners of our place last year. They swept twice a day and still got a violation, which was overturned by a reasonable judge. I figured I’d send a copy of that in with my own letter explaining the situation: that it is impossible to keep the front of the house litter-free at all times, especially on such a high-traffic street.

It’s clear that sanitation cops are not interested in what’s fair or what’s logical — salaries have to get paid and positions have to be justified, after all, and slapping fines with a pain-in-the-ass appeal process on homeowners is a great way to get that money flowing in.