#1 — $1800 — 2br: I like honesty: “Don’t care about a long walk to the subway?” Looks like a good renovation, nice fixtures, wood floors, big windows. The huge fonts and colors of the ad are annoying and why can’t we call from a land line? No matter. PETS OK Onderdonk and Stanhope

#2 — $1650 — 3br rr: It’s a railroad, but this is a very reasonable price for what it is. It looks well-kept, has wood floors, and access to the back yard. Three short-blocks to Irving Square. UPDATE: The landlord wrote to say that there will be a stainless steel fridge and stove installed next week. Cornelia and Knickerbocker

#3 — $950 — 1br: Looks a bit cruddy but it’s $950, stop you’re bitching. PETS OK Bushwick and Gates

#4 — $1450 — 2br: I don’t know how “unbelievable” it is, but it’s a good price for a real 2 bedrooms. Basic, solid stuff here, wood floors PETS OK Putnam and Broadway

#5 — $2500 — 2br: Yes, it’s super expensive, but look at this place. Everything is done in a tasteful modern style, and…does it have 1.5 bathrooms? I think putting “bedrooms” is a typo. Anyway, looks like a nice roof deck, too. Says 1/2 block to JZ but if it’s at Putnam, then no, it’s a few short-blocks to the train. Putnam and Broadway

RIPOFF ALERT: It’s now $300 less, but at $3000, this one bedroom apartment on Troutman — the unsold “Troutman Lofts,” I am assuming — is still an outrageous ripoff. They are now billing it as a 2 or 3 bedroom, because you can use the mezzanine as a bedroom, and they will even build you a second mezzanine as a third bedroom! More cheap spindly wood crap banisters for everyone! Mezzanines on top of mezzanines! From your cloud-level upper mezzanine, you’ll be able to spy on the gaggle of thugs who sit on the building’s stoop at all hours. Give. Me. A. Break. This should be $2000 at the most, and that’s being generous.

Bushwick wannabe: Actually, this is so far into Bed-Stuy, I think “Bushwick” might be a typo by an ill-informed data entrist. But here it is anyhow: it’s by Atlantic and Utica on the AC trains.

From the wtf file: Okay, the apartment seems fine: $1800 for a renovated 2br “loft.” It’s not “E. Williamsburg” by any stretch, but whatever. But can anyone tell me what “Big Shopping Mall” is “steps” to the DeKalb L stop?

Dishonorable mention: They have pawned off the $1300 studio onto some other agency. At least they’re not calling it a loft. Bushwick and Troutman is not a cute intersection, I can’t imagine how they think they can get this price. Oh wait, they can’t — that’s why the dump is still vacant!

(I’m aware that it’s now 9/21 — shaddap.)